One of the issues I have with “gay” in general is that it is an identity defined predominantly on the basis of sex. You’re gay in the eyes of most because you derive pleasure from engaging in sexual acts with a member of the same sex. There is a very important issue, though, that I think is lost in that translation, one that I fear is either not realized by some or forgotten by many. That’s the fact that being gay is not just about men enjoying sex with men or women enjoying sex with women; rather, it is also—and I would argue more importantly—about who one’s emotional attraction is to. It’s not entirely about loving sex with someone; it’s about loving all of someone.
I will be the first in any conversation to proclaim that men are beautiful. The male form is absolutely amazing. Every inch and intricacy is gorgeous. But, what’s even better than the physical aspect of it is the man inside the body: the one I like to hold come the end of the day, the one I like to talk to on the other end of the phone, the one whose company makes me feel more comfortble, more valuable and more loved. It’s an emotional connection with men that defines my concept of “being gay.”
It’s unfortunate, but I’ve found that that realization takes some growing into. There’s a maturation process that has to occur. Most gays (or any young sexually naïve individual for that matter) don’t wake up instantly enlightened. They don’t come out of the closet and step immediately into a mature sense of self. Fact of the matter is that for most, coming out tends to happen at the crux of their sexual frustration. They are at a developmental roadblock—stuck between a culture of heterosexuality dampening their sexual exploration and an immature notion of where they see their sexual identity going. Eventually they hit a tipping point, and they come out. Begin sexual liberation. Flood gates open. They’ve stepped into a whole new world. It’s time to explore.
That’s where promiscuity usually happens. An entire new set of possibilities are easily accessible, and the temptation is there to binge, and indulge, and keep going until you’ve been burned enough that you have to back off and reassess. It’s not until your “naïve and slutty” peers have been used, abused, and sufficiently jaded that they make the transition from the “quantity” phase of their lives into the “quality” phase of their lives.
I think you’re in a tough position, because it sounds like you’re way further along on the maturation curve than your peers. I would argue that it’s not a bad place to be, but then again, it’s also a lonely place sometimes.
For all those who continue to skank it up, I’d love to step in and intervene, but people need to make mistakes and learn for themselves. All I can do is step back, take care of myself, and continue saying what I believe in: Men are beautiful, and the best thing we can do for ourselves and for each other is to find someone and love that person as much as we possibly can."
